


maybe it tastes like him when you've got tears on your lips

by a-waste-of-time-and-hot-glue (falloutboiruto)



Category: Tokyo Babylon
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Bittersweet Ending, Ending Fix, Gen, Grimdark, Guilt, Hokuto POV, Moral Ambiguity, Paranoia, don't read unless you wanna get SUPER-spoiled, i'm looking at you new fans of tokyo babylon 2021, implied sexual violence/grooming towards a minor and graphic bloody violence against an adult, inspired by the song domestic bliss by glass animals, possible anachronisms, read the author's note for more detailed trigger warnings, set in the 90's so there's a lot of SWEET 90'S AESTETHIC, spoilers for the manga ending, trans!hokuto
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:15:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27527497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falloutboiruto/pseuds/a-waste-of-time-and-hot-glue
Summary: Seishirou Sakurazuka must die.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 4





	maybe it tastes like him when you've got tears on your lips

**Author's Note:**

> so heeeyyy this fanfic needs a lot of disclaimers. first, i need to clarify the dark/possibly triggering content in this fanfic:  
> 1) hokuto is written as a transgender girl in this. she is not a direct target of any violence by an outside force but she does go through an extremely traumatizing internal and external conflict. she does not die.  
> 2) subaru is written as a teenager(16 y/o, as he is in canon) being groomed by a grown-ass adult. physical sexual violence is implied to take place off-screen, but there are on-screen depictions of him being uncomfortable and acting in a way that implies being traumatized by this.  
> 3) yes, there are explicit depictions of lethal violence in this. tread lightly  
> 4) ALSO i have not re-read the manga in YEARS. all of the canon stuff in this fanfic is based on my memory and the wikipedia summary of the plot. i might get details wrong. pls tell me if there are any inconsistencies!
> 
> beta read by @reaperduckling  
> big thanks to another friend for explaining the japanese railway system and some cultural/geographical stuff to me

At first, Hokuto thinks it’s funny. Hilarious, even. A handsome(!) older man, one who works with animals (that’s dreamboat-material, right there), showering her twin brother with praise and attention? Subaru can blush, snort out an awkward laugh, and avoid looking directly at Seishirou-san all he wants. There’s no denying that they’re a match made in heaven. To think that Subaru Sumeragi, humble as a field mouse, can attract an eligible, sweet talking bachelor such as Seishirou Sakurazuka. Seems totally impossible, right?

Thus, it must be true love.

(For every new outlandish outfit she dons, Seisihirou-san will say something that isn’t quite right.)

Every night, she’ll bring up the possibility of her brother asking Seishirou-san out. Nag him, even. “He’s just joking,” Subaru says, sheepishly, as he fiddles with the brim of his hat. Nervous habits die hard.

-

Evening in the Sumeragi household. They’re playing cards. Seishirou-san is there, and from Hokuto’s spot at the table she can tell that he’s hiding cards in his suit sleeve. She stifles a giggle. He’s so cheeky, but harmless. The card game seems to be going Subaru’s way, but at the last minute Seishirou cheats his way to victory with a hidden ace. Her brother is none the wiser, blinks owlishly, and Hokuto trills; “And what kind of prize has the winner earned?”

“I’ve got my prize right here,” Seishirou-san says, adjusting his glasses and looking directly at Subaru.“All I want is you, Subaru,” Seishirou-san adds with a smile, like that implication wasn’t obvious already. Her brother squirms under the older man’s attention. 

(If she looks closer, really reads the absurdity of the situation, the age discrepancy, the way her brother isn’t embarrassed but visibly _uncomfortable,_ she would understand Subaru better. But she doesn’t.)

Hokuto throws her mini-hat in the air in a joyous celebration. She hugs Seishirou-san close and boops his nose with her gloved index finger. “Well, I’ll show you something else that’s cute!”

In a box, stored away, is a framed photo of her and Subaru as small, chubby toddlers. Happy. Identical outfits, sailor shirts with little shorts.They are making bucket-cakes in the sandbox located in a nearby park Hokuto still knows like the back of her pocket. As the current versions of her and Subaru stare back from the reflection in the glass plate, Seishirou-san says;

“Who’s who?”

“I’m on the right,” Hokuto says, then adds conspiratorially; “Can’t you recognize a true beauty when you see one?”

“Your fashion senses have changed quite a bit, I see.”

Hokuto thoughtfully taps a finger to her lips. It adds to the dramatics (and smears of lipstick to her gloves). Today, she and her brother match in all red and black. Subaru’s signature hat is mirrored in her mini hat. She put on black gloves, too, for symmetry. It’s all planned out, all expertly coordinated and masterfully executed. “Yes. For the better, I would say.” She sneers at her younger self’s shorts. “I look so drab!” 

Subaru smiles at her.

(Only her. He never smiles at Seishirou-san)

“I like your current style better now, too,” he says and nearly falls over as Hokuto tackle-hugs him in gratitude.

The clock strikes 10 and Seishirou-san excuses himself. He leaves, and as soon as the door closes behind him Subaru huffs out a loud breath. When he notices Hokuto staring at him, he averts his eyes. “Seishirou-san is nice, right?” he mutters, low voice full of uncharacteristic acid.

(She’s too naive to see the signs of his deterioration.)

Hokuto doesn’t understand what to say. But just as soon, he swallows the bile.

(And the hurt and the confusion and the fear and the love and the excitement and the dread.)

Perking up, he asks to see more photos of their child selves. The box delivers, in the form of images of Hokuto, now wearing increasingly flamboyant dresses. Her smile only grows wider the older she gets. Ever at her side, Subaru glooms and fidgets in several school uniforms, in ceremonial robes, in a red jacket and black dress pants. Extremely alike, but not quite identical anymore. In some, grandmother is at their side, but in most of them she is behind the camera. To someone who didn’t know enough, it could appear as if Hokuto and Subaru only have each other. 

-

It’s not uncommon for Hokuto to wake up in the middle of the night to the front door slamming shut. Subaru will, very often, drowsily stumble past her room in order to brush his teeth in the bathroom. It’s comforting, in a way, to know that her brother has made it back safe from whatever occult stuff he had on his plate. But this night, Subaru doesn’t go the expected route; through the hallway, to the bathroom, to straight to the bed in his own room. Instead, her bedroom door opens and Subaru barges in, _with shoes on_? Hokuto realizes that the current lack of light cannot make her bitchface justice, so she turns on the nightstand lamp to really give her brother a piece of her mind.

Only that, as soon as she sees Subaru more clearly, she forgets that she’s mad. She’s more confused than anything. He looks-

“Hokuto, have you ever kissed anyone?”

_What. Back to mad it is._

“Did you really barge into my room in the middle of the night, with shoes on, to ask me that? Me, a lady?”

Subaru blinks. He’s just as confused as her. Which is saying something.

“Sit down,” Hokuto says, patting the side of her bed. He does. There’s something heavy in the way he holds himself. “Why do you ask?”

“I just wondered-Being in love with someone is supposed to feel good, right?” He’s as stiff as a board, even in a supposedly relaxed position.

“-Yes, I would assume so? What’s with you?”

He tenses up like a turtle retreating into its shell. Like he’s trying to make himself as small and weak as possible.

“Subaru!” She pleads. 

Puffing out a shaky breath, Subaru shakes his head. “Nothing, I-”

Hokuto ignores the sinking feeling in her gut and settles for the much more easy to digest; _Well, this might as well happen_. “Do you want to sleep here tonight?”

“Please.”

“Just take your shoes off, you ding-dong.”

He’s gone by morning and never mentions it again, even after Hokuto repeatedly asks.

(This is when she started to understand, but didn’t want to realize.)

-

Some time passes. Some things happen, some don’t. Hokuto mostly pays attention to gossip columns in fashion magazines. It’s easier that way. But then, it all comes to an end.

-

Learning that Seishirou Sakurazuka is, in fact, _the_ Sakurazuka and an assassin, shouldn’t come as a surprise, perhaps. It’s kind of obvious in retrospect.

That he manipulated her brother and tried to seduce him all so he could kill him, doesn’t come as a surprise either. It comes in the form of guilt so heavy that it might kill Hokuto, too. But since Seishirou-san didn’t actually succeed in taking Subaru’s life, there’s no point in Hokuto feeling like hers has ended either.

Subaru’s broken arm is in a sling, he’s bruised in places that don't make sense, but he’s alive. He’s tired and sad and doesn’t respond much when she or grandmother tries to talk to him, sure. Yet, still alive. He gets less catatonic by the day.

“I’m sorry I pushed you and him together,” Hokuto pleads. Subaru doesn’t answer. Grandmother tells her that it wasn’t her fault, but it’s hard to believe. A few days later, Hokuto’s paranoia gets to her head. What if Seishirou-san comes back and tries to kill Subaru again? They have to hide, now. So, she informs her brother of this, and for once in their lives, Subaru agrees to her crazy scheme. They sneak out of grandmother's house and leave only a note behind. It pains Hokuto with an entirely different brand of guilt. Subaru hangs his head as if he feels the same way, but they leave it unspoken between them.

-

A short stop at their apartment later, Hokuto gathers all their cash and some extra clothes for the both of them in a backpack(Subaru can’t carry one yet). Subaru puts on his regular outfit with her help, she reluctantly changes into what passes as nondescript for her(she even digs out her one pair of flat shoes from her overflowing closet) Just in case, she slips her biggest kitchen knife into her purse when her brother isn’t looking.

At Ikebukuro train station in Tokyo, they catch the Seibu-Ikebukuro line towards the west. Saitama prefecture. Tall mountains with deep forests, small towns with a sparse population. It should be easy to disappear there. Only two hours by train, too. Subaru seems much more perky with the change of scenery and having a purpose. They squabble as they take turns listening to music on their shared Walkman. She has to help Subaru put the headphones on. They drink hot canned creamed corn soup(only the finest of dining from one of the Ikebukuro station vending machines) as the landscape out the window shifts from skyscrapers to rice fields to trees. A lot of trees, actually, and increasingly hilly terrain.

-

Finally, they arrive at Seibu-Chichibu station. The city of Chichibu is not like Tokyo. 

Gone are the skyscrapers stretching upwards to the high heavens. They have been replaced by houses that are a couple of stories tall, at most. Some higher buildings exist, sure, but they’re nothing compared to the ones in their home city. Hokuto isn’t sure what she had imagined, but it wasn’t this.

“I guess we’ll have to become country bumpkins now, Subaru!” she says as they walk down the main street.

“This isn’t exactly a small village,” Subaru chides. He looks around and gives up. “But it is very different from Tokyo, yes. You’re right.”

They make miniscule attempts at sightseeing(mostly gawking at the tall mountains in the horizon) until dusk. Hokuto secretly misses the skyline of Tokyo Tower. Staying at a local hotel overnight will do for now, they can make plans next morning over breakfast. She crashes on her futon still wearing her day clothes. Her brother makes a little more effort, and places his hat on a hanger. Lights out.

-

Hokuto wakes up by Subaru shaking her shoulder with one hand. “But I just fell asleep,” she mumbles, and the luminous alarm clock right next to her face agrees. Subaru turns on the lights, and it hurts. Her head aches like she’s gotten tumbled in a dryer.

“I had a dream. Seishirou-san is coming after us,” Subaru states. He’s frantic, insistent. “We have to leave. The trains start running soon. ”

She’s jolted awake, and they leave as soon as she can grab her purse and backpack. As they run in the dark city streets, her purse keeps rustling so much that she’s afraid that the knife will cut through the fabric and accidentally hurt her. They pass under streetlight after streetlight, shadows and light shifting and shifting and shifting-

“Found you,” a deep voice says. 

They stop in their tracks. The silhouette of a tall man jumps off a roof as elegantly as a cat and blocks their path. 

Seishirou-san has lost his glasses, one eye, his cheery facade, and his humanity. He towers over them and as he takes one step forward, they retreat a step. Before Hokuto knows it, they’re backing into an alleyway. No exit. Only a few meters behind their backs is a tall wall, and nothing else. Subaru is shaking so hard that his teeth clack.

Seishirou-san lunges, grabs Subaru by the collar and pulls upwards until his feet leave the ground. Hokuto is too terrified to move, too terrified to even scream. Her brother’s reflex is to struggle, but his injured arm protests. He goes limp.

“As if you could outrun me,” Seishirou-san says. He pulls his free hand back in preparation to strike.

Hokuto is pinned to the spot. Then, in the blink of an eye, barely a millisecond, she realizes that;

  1. She’s in Seishirou-san’s blind spot.
  2. His imposing wide shoulders are turned away from her, leaving his back exposed. Vulnerable.
  3. He underestimates her.



She reaches for the knife in her purse, and charges towards him. At impact, she’s met with resistance, sure, but she had always imagined that stabbing someone that deep would necessitate a little more force. Seishirou-san’s fingers go limp, and Subaru tumbles to the ground with a yelp. Everything is grayscale in the dark of night, but if Hokuto imagines, the blood is bright red against Seishirou-san’s black suit. The knife shifts. She can feel him _trying_ to breathe. His diaphragma cramps in vain, and she lets go of the handle of the knife. It stays put. Seishirou-san collapses to his knees. He’s so quiet, it’s eerie. Hokuto makes eye contact with Subaru. He’s sitting up straight and doesn’t look like he’s in physical pain, per se. She knows that the look of horror on his face is mirrored in hers. She walks around Seishirou-san in a circle wider than the length of his arms, in case he tries to grab her. He doesn’t. 

“Subaru,” she says. She extends her hand to help him up, and he grabs it. The fabric of their gloves slide and slip against each other, so she grabs the sleeve of his jacket on his uninjured side. Subaru’s breath ghosts her face as she hoists him up. He keeps looking over her shoulder, and she does too. Seishirou-san isn’t moving, still. Then-he flops to the side, limp as an overcooked noodle. A puddle of blood seeps out from his back, on his shirt, on his face. Hokuto has to jump and drag Subaru away so the blood won’t get on their shoes. Wait, has any of his blood gotten on them? She has worn gloves this entire time, right, so the kitchen knife wouldn’t have any fingerprints on it. Right? She’s used the knife to cook, before all of this, but wouldn’t the gloves have just wiped them off? _Right?_

“We have to leave,” Subaru breathes, almost as faint as the last dying gasp of Seishirou Sakurazuka. “We have to-”

“What are the cops gonna do?” Hokuto whispers. She keeps watch of the dark windows of the two buildings that enclose their alleyway. There isn’t so much as a rustle in the curtains. 

“Even if he’s dead,” Subaru says with strained calm, “His memory will haunt us forever.”

“He tried to kill you! Twice! Even if they catch us, I can plead self-defense-”

“-We have to go. Somewhere far away. Maybe even out of the country.”

“What about grandma?”

Subaru doesn’t answer, and walks away. Hokuto steals one last glimpse of Seishirou-san's corpse on the ground. If she squints, he isn’t even in the shape of a person anymore. It wouldn’t be all that strange to mistake him for a pile of misplaced trash bags, or a collection of lumpy rocks. Something discarded. She shakes her head, and follows her brother.

-

The railway traffic at Seibu-Chichibu station resumes early in the morning. Luckily, they only have to share the platform with one other person. A disheveled salaryman who at the start of yesterday must've looked quite handsome. He’s drunk.

5 minutes until departure and it’s still dark out, but in a few hours, the sun will rise. Hokuto had purchased a coffee from the vending machine 10 minutes ago and had gulped it down in an instant like a shot of alcohol. It doesn’t kill her nerves. Quite the opposite, it only makes her more antsy. Her hands shake and her stomach twists. If she looks over at her brother and pretends to be a stranger, she would think that he’d seen a ghost.

“No-one will ever find us,” she murmurs. 

The man eyes them, and whatever assumptions he makes, Hokuto’s sure it’s not nearly as bad as the truth.

“What’s going on? Did’ya kill a guy or something?” The salaryman slurs, half-serious, half joking. Both Hokuto and Subaru seize up as if shocked by a high-voltage electric current. Pulling a face, the man regrets his comment. “Jeez, cheer up, will you?”

The train has pulled up to the station. Hokuto and Subaru stumble backwards through the train doors. The man keeps looking at them, frozen in place, even as the doors close and separate him from them. Through the small window, she sees him vomit on the ground.

“There’s no turning back,” Hokuto says. The train starts moving and throws both her and her brother off-balance. She staggers and grabs the railing. Subaru, recovered from the turbulence, still stares out the glass. Just as catatonic as after Hokuto had found him the first time Seishirou-san had betrayed him. 

“You want to find a seat?” she forces a weak smile, an attempt at normalcy. The train cart is decidedly empty. They could sit anywhere they wanted, but there’s no response from Subaru. He still hasn’t looked away.

Through the window, only increasingly sparse flashes of city lights are visible in the night. An endless dark void, just moments later. He doesn’t notice.

“I’m sorry, Subaru. For everything.”

“It’s not your fault,” Subaru finally responds, voice quiet. Small. “He tricked us both. Thank you for saving me, Hokuto.”

-

Sudden screeching of black and grey and white static noise. The visual equivalent to the buzz of a nest full of furious wasps.

-

A picturesque scene of a tropical paradise plays out. Tall palm trees waver in the breeze, the push-pull of the ocean waves hit the shore. Two dark silhouettes, identical in height but not in shape, stand out stark against the blues and purples and pinks and oranges of the setting sun. One of them, a man, turns towards the other, one hand keeping his wide-brimmed hat in place against the forces of the wind. The other one, a woman, detects a small rock inbetwixt the sand dunes. Weighs it in her hand, and throws it towards the ocean. It plops down into the water and sinks, never to be seen again.

The End, 

like a TV screen finally shut off.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! if you've enjoyed this, leave a comment and kudos!


End file.
